i hadn’t seen my mom since may, when we arrived home that labor day. it was the longest we had ever been apart.
i remember how happy she was to see us. i remember that the feeling was mutual.
almost as soon as we stepped inside the house i told her there was something john and i wanted to talk to her about. i felt as if beams of light were radiating from my face, and an ‘I’M PREGNANT!’ thought bubble was levitating over my head. my dad wasn’t home yet.
i asked her to sit down, which, of course, made her visibly nervous. i can only imagine what kind of wild scenarios were playing in her mind. reluctantly, she sat.
‘i’m pregnant,’ i said.
i was surprised by the confidence with which the words came out.
i didn’t know until that very moment, but i was excited to tell my mom. vocalizing my pregnancy was exactly what i had needed to reveal my authentic emotions.
i distinctly remember john’s presence. he was sitting to my left and slightly further back into the couch than I, exuding a silent, but overwhelming support, which i hadn’t expected. it was the first time i felt that no matter what, come hell or high water, from this day forward he had my back.
all these emotions were felt between the ‘I’ to about one second after the ‘T’. the moment was transcendent.
my mom closed her eyes. she let out a pained groan, and her jaw tensed. i remember knowing that she couldn’t hear any more words, it was like the bells were ringing for her now, too, like they had for john in those first moments.
later she told me that she was surprised she hadn’t had a heart attack.
john followed up with more words, but what words they were, i can’t say. mostly he was trying to ease the tension, i think. not knowing my mom as i do, i think her reaction hurt him more than me. i was probably smiling. whenever i’m unsure or nervous that’s what i do.
john and i exchanged looks as my mother sat with her eyes closed, thinking God knows what.
when she finally spoke again, there was a lot of doubt. a lot of fear about the future and a lot of pain. then my mom asked us not to tell my dad. she wasn’t sure how he would react. she said she wasn’t ready to handle his emotions yet.
john and i hadn’t known what to expect, but i’m not sure even if we had that we would have been prepared to weather the storm of emotions felt that day. it was trying to the spirit to say the least, but at least it was over.